A decision of mine that I can't imagine is particularly uncommon, but does in fact make my life quite a bit harder, is the continual choice to just. Not take any coding courses, really. And it's not for a lack of knowing where, or how, but an active choice not to; everything I pick up, I pick up as I need it, or from reading through others' blogs and code snippets, or trying to solve a problem and not finding the answer but learning some neat CSS stuff I will likely forget and have to look up again.

And, like, it's frustrating, right? Intensely so, especially since this is something I usually do when I'm trying to destress or distract. The last time I took a break from updating this site was because I got in over my head trying to format my about all fancy and I couldn't get it the way I wanted. I realized I'd have to do a bunch of shit I had no idea how to do, thought about how much work it'd be, and put it off until... well. I don't actually remember how long it's been. Which, to be fair, is indicative of nothing because DID, but. Still. I don't even have the bare minimum knowledge of how the fuck CSS works, and I know it can make my code a mess. So like, why the fuck do I do it like that?

Well, as the title says; it's fun! It's a godforsaken nightmare, and I like it that way.

I think I am sort of like a caged animal sometimes in that if I go without a challenge, without enrichment, for too long I start to go fucking crazy. Part of this is probably a result of my being disabled and, currently, unemployed—I end up stuck in bed all day a lot of the time, and I can't leave the house more than a handful of times a month, if that. I lack stimulus, and so I have to provide it, or my brain feels like it's going to rot out of my skull.

Even outside of that, though, I think I've always sort of been like this, even before my legs started giving out on me for fun. I grew up cooped up in my house, craving academic and artistic stimulation, in an environment that failed to properly provide it, so I learned to make my own challenge, my own enrichment. I like working backwards on problems, I like throwing myself at a wall until I manage to take apart the brick with my hands. It's horrifically frustrating, and a lovely reminder that I am very often short tempered, but I think that's one of the main parts I enjoy. There is satisfaction in figuring out a problem that's been bothering you for days, in clicking on that one fucking webpage at 3 AM that finally has the answer to the bullshit you've been troubleshooting since 12. But I think there's also something stimulating to the anger itself. It's the sour candy of emotions, and I am notorious for eating that shit until my tongue bleeds. I do not like playing rhythm games, and by god if that is not why I play them. You know?

There's no real point to this one, exactly. Just. Sometimes you need a healthy dose of emotional masochism to keep yourself sane, I think. If you do not drive yourself crazy you are going to go crazy, and oooo baby the problems that CSS loves to give me make me fucking batshit.